when i ended my last 'blog, i didn't know how i was going to write this one.  i had started to answer the question.  started to try to make everything okay.  but what i had written wasn't really an answer.  the depths to which i went within myself and my hurt and dissatisfaction with God was not touched on by what i wrote.  it felt like i was trying to put a trite little bandaid on a gash that had pierced my heart.  because i think i looked as deep as i could last night.  i opened myself up as much as is possible for me.  and then today, in a conversation with a friend, God took me even deeper. 

as i said yesterday, my deepest longing(s) are to be loved and understood.  on the level where you can stop talking.  where it eminates between you.  where you are known to the core of who you are.  and loved regardless of what was seen between your surface and your core. 

i was going to talk about how in God crucifying my hopes and dreams of love and marriage, He replaced them with amazing friends and community that i never realized.  which is incredibly true.  and incredibly beautiful.  but it's not enough.  because none of them understand me to the core. 

i've had a few friends talk with me about people they've met who understand them to the point that they feel understood to the core of who they are.  like they were talking with themselves because they didn't have to explain anything.  i can't remember a person like that in my life.  there are people who have understood pieces of me to an nth degree.  but i've never felt understood to the core of my being.  at least not in the way that they understand because everything that resonates in me, resonates in them.  and i don't feel it now. 

in some ways, i think that makes the love even more poignant.  because they don't understand and yet they still choose to love me.  it takes more work in a lot of ways.  a lot of sacrifice.  at least when they strive to understand.  when they're willing to put in the time and effort to ask the questions, to admit they don't understand but want to and are willing to do the hard work it will take.  'cause it means that they're in it for the long haul.  and that's an amazing thing.  but this is a tangent...

from the friends and community God's given me to replace my hopes and dreams of life-long love & companionship, i was going to mention new purpose and new dreams that He's given me.  God's added some pretty spectacular things to my plate and my passion.  about 6 months ago, i learned about human trafficking the world 'round.  even here in denver.  in the last 2 months, i've begun to get involved in fighting it.  it's huge!  so much bigger than me.  but i can be a part.  'cause i can't sit idly by and do nothing anymore.  and on top of that, He inspired me to get back into writing.  and challenged me to do what i can to become a part of the poet community of denver.  which is really scary 'cause it means making myself vulnerable.  it means opening myself up to criticism and rejection.  the first i'm getting good at accepting.  the second still scares me to death.  but i know He loves me.  and He accepts me.  no matter how bad my poems are :).

and that's what He showed me today.  my previous answers are good and true answers.  but they're partial answers.  the real answer that God gives to the crucifixion of our hopes and dreams, whether you're mary, john, peter, some random jew from the crowd, me, or you...  is Himself.  thoughout various conversations and prayers today i've realized that the real story of the gospel- the good news of the good news- is that God loves us.  and not just that He loves us but that He loves us enough to give us Himself.  He didn't give us His teachings, His miracles, His healings...  He gave us Himself. 

and He's been doing so since the beginning of time!  He walked with adam & eve in the garden.  He walked with enoch.  He gave the law as a picture of who He was and is and will always be.  He revealed Himself to moses.  and prophets.  His presence rested in the temple of jerusalem for generations.  and when we stopped paying attention, when it got too hard to believe, He came down.  in bodily form.  to be Immanuel: God with us.  to walk the dirty smelly streets of israel.  to eat and sweat and poop.  (did Jesus get sick?)  to live our life with us.  as one of us. 

but it went even beyond that!  there was punishment to be taken for what we had done, what we are doing, what we will do.  the ways that we've screwed up and are screwed up.  something had to be done about the separation from God.  and so He let Himself be offered up.  'cause He loves us.  that much.  the One who created me, who knows me most intimately, the One who breathed life into me and who formed me and filled me with little pieces of Himself, He loves me.  despite all that He sees between my surface & my core, He loves me.  enough to give me Himself.  to sacrifice Himself to the point of death. 

Jesus's last supper takes on so much more meaning!  'here is My body which is broken for you...'  'here is My blood shed for the covering of sin...'  He freely gives us Himself. 

over the last few weeks, i've realized that a lot of my poetry has been about me and not about my interaction with other or my giving to others, just about me.  and it's troubled me.  and it've talked with God about it.  the first thing He's told me is that i'm still healing and, to an extent, it needs to be about healing me.  but i want my focus to be about helping others, about healing others.  that kinda ties in with a desire to be needed and liked.  and as He pointed that out, He quietly told me that if i knew what it was that i had specifically to offer, what about me people needed or liked, i would become that aspect of myself to the exclusion of the rest of me.  and that's not what i have to offer.  'cause i need to be following His footsteps.  i need to be offering myself. 

but offering myself is such a hard thing to do.  'cause i don't know me all that well.  or at least not as well as i think i should to be able to offer me.  but i think that's part of the point.  'cause it's not about me, it's about Him.  and if i'm to offer me, i need to be in relationship with Him.  'cause the another reason it's so hard to do is 'cause if i offer me, instead of some aspect of me, it hurts all the more to be rejected.  if i try to offer my skill at listening & it's rejected, that hurts, but they're not rejecting me.  if i try to offer my ability to encourage and someone's still sad, something didn't work and that sucks but they're not rejecting me.  but if i offer myself, and i'm rejected.  where do i go?  what can i do?  and yet Jesus was rejected.  and is rejected.  by me!  and He still offers Himself. 

the only way i can do this well is to accept Jesus.  not just His teachings.  not just His guidance.  not just His healing.  or His miracles.  but Him.  in relationship.  continuing and on-going.  to love Him and let Him love me.  to accept the sacrifice He offers.  which is so hard for me to do.  'cause i'm proud and i believe i should somehow reach a point at which i am well enough to do with on my own.  that i'm strong enough that i don't need Him as desperately as i do.  but there isn't a point like that.  not 'cause i won't heal or grow stronger, but because this is about a relationship.  do i walk away from my friends when i've learned some lesson they were able to teach me? 

and i'm loathe to admit to the other 2 reasons: 1) it's so easy to forget, so easy to walk through life thinking i'm doing this and i'm doing it pretty well... or at least well enough... instead of seeing God's hand and talking with Him through all of this...  and 2) i don't know that i trust Him...  there are times when i trust Him completely.  and certain areas of life that i've learned to trust Him completely all the time.  but there are places and times when i question... and i believe that i can do it better.  'cause who would possibly know me or what i need better than i know myself? 

and the hilariously beautiful thing about all of this is that Jesus keeps on offering Himself :)  as much as i reject Him, and fail Him, and forget about Him, He still stands there with open arms waiting for me to run back into them... 

that, my dear dear friends, is the story of easter...  that is the good news...

i love you and wish you all an amazing life 'cause it's not just one day, though i hope Jesus shows up at your celebrations today.  in ways that you can see and experience.  'cause He's always been there & always will be...