clive13's Xanga

happy easter!

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 07:06:17 GMT

when i ended my last 'blog, i didn't know how i was going to write this one. i had started to answer the question. started to try to make everything okay. but what i had written wasn't really an answer. the depths to which i went within myself and my hurt and dissatisfaction with God was not touched on by what i wrote. it felt like i was trying to put a trite little bandaid on a gash that had pierced my heart. because i think i looked as deep as i could last night. i opened myself up as much as is possible for me. and then today, in a conversation with a friend, God took me even deeper.

as i said yesterday, my deepest longing(s) are to be loved and understood. on the level where you can stop talking. where it eminates between you. where you are known to the core of who you are. and loved regardless of what was seen between your surface and your core.

i was going to talk about how in God crucifying my hopes and dreams of love and marriage, He replaced them with amazing friends and community that i never realized. which is incredibly true. and incredibly beautiful. but it's not enough. because none of them understand me to the core.

i've had a few friends talk with me about people they've met who understand them to the point that they feel understood to the core of who they are. like they were talking with themselves because they didn't have to explain anything. i can't remember a person like that in my life. there are people who have understood pieces of me to an nth degree. but i've never felt understood to the core of my being. at least not in the way that they understand because everything that resonates in me, resonates in them. and i don't feel it now.

in some ways, i think that makes the love even more poignant. because they don't understand and yet they still choose to love me. it takes more work in a lot of ways. a lot of sacrifice. at least when they strive to understand. when they're willing to put in the time and effort to ask the questions, to admit they don't understand but want to and are willing to do the hard work it will take. 'cause it means that they're in it for the long haul. and that's an amazing thing. but this is a tangent...

from the friends and community God's given me to replace my hopes and dreams of life-long love & companionship, i was going to mention new purpose and new dreams that He's given me. God's added some pretty spectacular things to my plate and my passion. about 6 months ago, i learned about human trafficking the world 'round. even here in denver. in the last 2 months, i've begun to get involved in fighting it. it's huge! so much bigger than me. but i can be a part. 'cause i can't sit idly by and do nothing anymore. and on top of that, He inspired me to get back into writing. and challenged me to do what i can to become a part of the poet community of denver. which is really scary 'cause it means making myself vulnerable. it means opening myself up to criticism and rejection. the first i'm getting good at accepting. the second still scares me to death. but i know He loves me. and He accepts me. no matter how bad my poems are :).

and that's what He showed me today. my previous answers are good and true answers. but they're partial answers. the real answer that God gives to the crucifixion of our hopes and dreams, whether you're mary, john, peter, some random jew from the crowd, me, or you... is Himself. thoughout various conversations and prayers today i've realized that the real story of the gospel- the good news of the good news- is that God loves us. and not just that He loves us but that He loves us enough to give us Himself. He didn't give us His teachings, His miracles, His healings... He gave us Himself.

and He's been doing so since the beginning of time! He walked with adam & eve in the garden. He walked with enoch. He gave the law as a picture of who He was and is and will always be. He revealed Himself to moses. and prophets. His presence rested in the temple of jerusalem for generations. and when we stopped paying attention, when it got too hard to believe, He came down. in bodily form. to be Immanuel: God with us. to walk the dirty smelly streets of israel. to eat and sweat and poop. (did Jesus get sick?) to live our life with us. as one of us.

but it went even beyond that! there was punishment to be taken for what we had done, what we are doing, what we will do. the ways that we've screwed up and are screwed up. something had to be done about the separation from God. and so He let Himself be offered up. 'cause He loves us. that much. the One who created me, who knows me most intimately, the One who breathed life into me and who formed me and filled me with little pieces of Himself, He loves me. despite all that He sees between my surface & my core, He loves me. enough to give me Himself. to sacrifice Himself to the point of death.

Jesus's last supper takes on so much more meaning! 'here is My body which is broken for you...' 'here is My blood shed for the covering of sin...' He freely gives us Himself.

over the last few weeks, i've realized that a lot of my poetry has been about me and not about my interaction with other or my giving to others, just about me. and it's troubled me. and it've talked with God about it. the first thing He's told me is that i'm still healing and, to an extent, it needs to be about healing me. but i want my focus to be about helping others, about healing others. that kinda ties in with a desire to be needed and liked. and as He pointed that out, He quietly told me that if i knew what it was that i had specifically to offer, what about me people needed or liked, i would become that aspect of myself to the exclusion of the rest of me. and that's not what i have to offer. 'cause i need to be following His footsteps. i need to be offering myself.

but offering myself is such a hard thing to do. 'cause i don't know me all that well. or at least not as well as i think i should to be able to offer me. but i think that's part of the point. 'cause it's not about me, it's about Him. and if i'm to offer me, i need to be in relationship with Him. 'cause the another reason it's so hard to do is 'cause if i offer me, instead of some aspect of me, it hurts all the more to be rejected. if i try to offer my skill at listening & it's rejected, that hurts, but they're not rejecting me. if i try to offer my ability to encourage and someone's still sad, something didn't work and that sucks but they're not rejecting me. but if i offer myself, and i'm rejected. where do i go? what can i do? and yet Jesus was rejected. and is rejected. by me! and He still offers Himself.

the only way i can do this well is to accept Jesus. not just His teachings. not just His guidance. not just His healing. or His miracles. but Him. in relationship. continuing and on-going. to love Him and let Him love me. to accept the sacrifice He offers. which is so hard for me to do. 'cause i'm proud and i believe i should somehow reach a point at which i am well enough to do with on my own. that i'm strong enough that i don't need Him as desperately as i do. but there isn't a point like that. not 'cause i won't heal or grow stronger, but because this is about a relationship. do i walk away from my friends when i've learned some lesson they were able to teach me?

and i'm loathe to admit to the other 2 reasons: 1) it's so easy to forget, so easy to walk through life thinking i'm doing this and i'm doing it pretty well... or at least well enough... instead of seeing God's hand and talking with Him through all of this... and 2) i don't know that i trust Him... there are times when i trust Him completely. and certain areas of life that i've learned to trust Him completely all the time. but there are places and times when i question... and i believe that i can do it better. 'cause who would possibly know me or what i need better than i know myself?

and the hilariously beautiful thing about all of this is that Jesus keeps on offering Himself :) as much as i reject Him, and fail Him, and forget about Him, He still stands there with open arms waiting for me to run back into them...

that, my dear dear friends, is the story of easter... that is the good news...

i love you and wish you all an amazing life 'cause it's not just one day, though i hope Jesus shows up at your celebrations today. in ways that you can see and experience. 'cause He's always been there & always will be...

good friday

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 06:06:03 GMT

'tis holy week. and good friday. the day of man's frustrations and God's 'failures'. it was today that Jesus died. literally. and with Him, all the hopes of hundreds (if not thousands) of jews.

think about it:
you are mary, Jesus' mother, and you stand before your Son who has done amazing, miraculous things throughout His life. but now, He hangs on a cross before you.

in your mind you're screaming at God! demanding to know how He could do this! Jesus' was supposed to change the world! being overcome by the holy spirit all those 33 years ago, you prophecied it! what was He thinking? was all of that a lie? some bad food? how was He supposed to change the world from a cross?

maybe God will bring Him down! that's it! He'll come down from the cross and show the religious prigs what God's really about. and you'll be able to hold him again, wipe the blood from His face... there's so much of it, it's covering everything! there's so much of it...

wha-what's that He's saying? something about you being john's mother... john being your son? no! that's death talk! stop it! stop! He can't mean it! He can't be saying it! the final cry... and you stare at His chest. you beg God with everything you have to let you see it rise again... but no...

or maybe you're john. the other disciples have run away but you stayed. you stood there 'til the end. you stood with Him.

when they beat Him, your heart broke. you'd seen Him tear through the temple, heard Him outwit and chastise these same pharisees and priests so many times before. and yet, now, He won't say anything. all the bizarre stories and revolutionary words of three long years together and now He is silent. the Man you watched heal so many of so much... His flesh is being torn asunder... why doesn't He heal it?

why doesn't He break through all of this and show these ignorant people who He really is? He is the Messiah! He came to set you free, to bring the kingdom of God to earth! where is the kingdom when the King is hanging on a cross?

what's that He says? something about taking His mother as your mother... and being her son? you nod numbly. He is your Lord and so you follow as you can. but then a cry! and "Father, into Your hands I commit My Spirit..."

NO! NO! NO! He can't die! you stood at the tomb when He raised lazarus! beside the body when He raised the boy from his own funeral. from Jarus's daughter and He claimed she was only sleeping... maybe that's it! maybe He's sleeping. and on from the cross, it's hard to see breaths so shallow... but they're stabbing Him... and there's no response... He-He-He can't be... but blood & water are flowing out...

peter? you huddle in a dark corner. away from anyone and everyone. but wishing someone would come up and ask you if you were with Him. YES! YES! you would scream it at the top of your lungs. i was with Him! i was His disciple!

but you can't now. john just came and found you a few moments ago. and he told you. he told you that the impossible happened: they had killed Him. He was dead. you pushed john. you prodded him. was there any way that he could have seen it wrong, misunderstood. but john had stuck around until they'd taken Him down. and there was no possibility of anyone being alive through crucifixion. not even Him. john was sure. he had felt the lifeless, cooling body.

you had pushed john aside and ran. ran until you couldn't run anymore. and collapsed in a puddle here in the shadows. 'cause what do you do when the Hope of the world dies? when the hope of Your world dies? and what do you do when you fail Him?

you remember your words from last night. bold, arrogant words of dying for Him. so much bravado and no follow through. you should have done something! you should have fought for Him! you should have... you should have at least admitted to knowing Him. but you couldn't even do that.

but then older memories slip into your mind, memories of your boldness praised by Him when you'd claimed Him as the Son of God! memories of answering Him that no where else had you found the words of eternal life... but what good is the Son of God if He dies? what good are the words of eternal life when they're spoken by someone who's died?

maybe a random jew: you'd heard about Jesus, heard Him speak time or two. you remember Him riding in on a donkey a week ago. you threw your own cloak down for Him for surely He was something special! prophecy was being fulfilled right before your eyes: behold! your king, riding on a donkey!" and here He was! and roman would be defeated. and the oppression would cease.

you heard some buzz through the crowd about his first sermon, about how he'd talked about setting captive free and the good news to the poor and sight to the blind. and he had done that! no one had ever restored a man's sight. but Jesus had! he must have been the Messiah! and He'd ridden all the way up to the temple! and you would have crown Him king! you would have followed Him. the whole crowd was ready to do it. but He stopped. and looked over you all. and turned and walked away.

and no one had known what to do. you'd stood there with everyone else and looked at each other. eventually you dispersed. you came back to the temple, looking for Him throughout the week but nothing too exciting happened. He taught again. good things. but no talk of overthrowing rome. no more hype like there'd been for His entrance into jerusalem. at least not until today.

at some point, the priests had captured Him. they dragged Him up in front of the crowd. something about blasphemy. pilate was trying to wash his hands of the whole thing, but the priests wouldn't let him. they wanted Jesus killed. and Barabas set free. at some point, some people in the crowd started shouting 'crucify Him!' and if the charges were true, He deserved it. how arrogant of Him to ride in the like the Messiah and not act like it! how wrong of Him to make all these promises of freedom and the kingdom of God and not follow through! soon, your voice joined that of the others: "crucify Him!"

scum of the earth church, celebration community church, and urban skye put on a good friday 'service' today. you sat at various stations and thought about various things. at one of them, you were supposed to write your hopes and dreams, your greatest longings on this board where they disappeared before your eyes. it was hard.

i wrote down love and understanding. i want to be loved and understood. by a wife. the last few months have been so hard. when i really face myself, i have to admit that i've felt betrayed and abandoned by God. He took away what i thought was imminent, what He had promised me, what was supposed to happen. i don't know if i've understood good friday as much as i do this year.

but for all of these people (even myself) the story's not over yet... easter is fast approaching...:)

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 23:31:51 GMT

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch:		10
Quality Time:		9
Receiving Gifts:		5
Acts of Service:		3
Words of Affirmation:		3

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 23:31:37 GMT

<h2>The Five Love Languages</h2>My primary love language is probably<br /><big><b>Physical Touch</b></big><br />with a secondary love language being<br /><big><b>Quality Time</b></big>.<br /><br /><h2>Complete set of results</h2><table border='0' cellpadding='0' cellspacing='0'><tr><td>Physical Touch: </td><td width='20'> </td><td>10</td></tr><tr><td>Quality Time: </td><td width='20'> </td><td>9</td></tr><tr><td>Receiving Gifts: </td><td width='20'> </td><td>5</td></tr><tr><td>Acts of Service: </td><td width='20'> </td><td>3</td></tr><tr><td>Words of Affirmation: </td><td width='20'> </td><td>3</td></tr></table><br /><br /> <h2>Information</h2> Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.<br /><br /><a href='http://www.youthnetsouthampton.org.uk/breakout/lovelanguages.php' target='_blank'>Take the quiz</a>

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 23:24:45 GMT

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Physical Touch.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		10
Physical Touch:		8
Words of Affirmation:		8
Acts of Service:		3
Receiving Gifts:		1

Information

pray for lame deer!

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 04:57:05 GMT

hey!

just wanted to let you know that a team from scum of the earth church and cherry hills community church leaves this saturday, june 3rd, at 8am to go to the northern cheyenne first nations reservation at lame deer, mt until the 11th. we will be doing prayer walking through the community and neighborhood beautification around morning star baptist church in the mornings; and in the afternoons, we will be doing crafts and sports with the community. At night, we will be providing music for various ministries that msbc provides as well as doing community dinners on wednesday and saturday night.

prayer for us would mean so much! we'll be heading into an incredibly spiritually dark place. a place without much hope. and working with people who have been beaten down and told they're not worth anything by a lot of people who look a lot like us.

please pray:

that we as a group would be unified

for protection, both spiritual and physical

for the breaking of bonds and strongholds and addictions

for God to ready our hearts and the hearts of those we'll be ministering to

that God would speak and act through us and that we would be able to get out of His way

if you have questions, i probably won't be able to get to them before i leave, but i will tell you all about it when i return.

thanks so much!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 16:41:26 GMT

i know i've slacked off on 'blogging. not having internet at home and having the insane schedule i do is vaguely the reason. but yes. here is christmas.

the journey had been horrid. hot and muggy and fast. the village they’d both grown up in had tried to stone her. people who’d known them before they were born had been about to pick up rocks and kill her. he understood the traditions as well as anyone else, but couldn’t they see that there was something different about her?

and now, he had started on the upper end of hotels. more than he could have afforded, but for her, for Him, he would have been willing to sacrifice and work overtime when he got back. maybe even take a few jobs while they were here. do some repairs on the inn, if that worked out. but no, one look at her disended belly and the word ‘betrothed’ and the place was suddenly full. except this place. and even then, they didn’t want them inside the shabby, run-down inn, but they at least had a place to lay down.

joseph looked around as he carried their supplies over to the corner where mary stood. she toed gingerly at a pile of hay. he shuddered at the sight and smell. he didn’t know what to say or do. he set down his bundle. the blankets were for the baby. there was nothing for her. he turned away and searched the stable for clean straw. he found none. an empty stall had probably the nicest, but it was still dingy. he blinked back tears as scooped up an armful and carried it to the corner by the manger which seemed to be the only place to put the child when it was born. another armful and he wanted to cry out to God, ask Him why it had to happen like this. he trusted, he believed. mary had seen an angel. in her room. touchable. real. his had been a dream. yet, it was enough. he didn’t need an actual visitation. he believed. and acted as soon as he woke up. but it didn’t make sense! God, why! Your son! not mine! here? he looked around again as he carried the hay back to the corner.

turning from the manger she was arranging with the blankets they’d brought, mary saw the tears beginning in his eyes and she smiled softly. she reached up and wiped them from his weathered face. he shuddered slightly and smiled back at her. she turned back to the manger as joseph stripped off his outer garments and laid them over the straw, hoping they would be some comfort for her. he had his arms around her immediately as she groaned and shuddered. they smiled at each other. He would come soon.

*****************************************************************

their weary escort nodded to the animals. beings of almost pure light, standing above/in/through/above the squat dingy building. the animals nodded back. tired and weary from generations of fighting, but steady and dutiful the escort arranged themselves as guards, filling the inside of the stable with light, facing outwards towards the dark night. the light increased as weapons were drawn and faces were set against the creatures that hid in the blackness. within the sternness of the faces and weariness of unending battle, eyes danced and joy shone upon each face. they had been waiting for this for ages. and the time was coming. had now come.

mary groaned and joseph whispered comfort to her. quivers of anticipation shot through the light. a cry. the Head crowned. and the little stable was engulfed in light. light so bright that even the angels had to cover their eyes. it shot out from the tiny stable, cutting through the darkness of the night, through the mass of creatures waiting just outside who stumbled back onto their haunches. out through the town. out into the countryside where another battalion of light waited. their leader had a hard time keeping them in check. he had a job to do before they could respond. out until the entire world was covered in light.

*****************************************************************

they lay sleeping. or sat around the fire swapping old stories of women and brawls, the young ones usually listening in awe of the older ones. but nathan was one of the youngest and wouldn’t shut up about how many of the village girls he’d been with. he started naming names and the other men started laughing. simon was watching the sheep and was first to notice something amiss as they all came to their feet. out among them, a light appeared, moving faster than he could trully comprehend. and then it was among them. hovering above the fire. brighter than the fire below it.

faces went white. those closest to the fire threw themselves backward and tried to scuttle away. those sleeping were instantly awake and on their feet as fast as those awake, ready to run and about to when the light spoke:

“don’t be afraid!
i have the best news for you and whole world! tonight, in the city of the great king, david, a Saviour has been born! the Promised One is here and now! the One you’ve been waiting for, the One the world has been waiting for is to be found laying in a manger, wrapped in rags!”

the commander lost control. the army revealed themselves. they couldn’t help it. they’d waited eons for this moment. harden soldiers broke into song. deep rich voices chanted. “glory to God in the highest! and on earth, peace to men on whom His favour rests!” shouts of praise. weapons pounded on shields. pre-battle clamour resounded throughout the countryside.

as soon as the light had appeared, they were gone. the noise died as suddenly. but still their eyes burned. they blinked and shook their heads but nothing helped.
“the messiah!”
“in bethleham!”
they took off at a run, looking for mangers.

***************************************************************

the Baby cried and mary nursed Him. joseph absent-mindedly fiddled with the blankets in the manger. mary smiled at him. joseph stopped and looked at the miracle of life in her arms. He was just a baby. nothing spectacular had happened. no angel visitation. no voice from heaven. just the cry of a baby in the night. and joseph had to cut the umbilical cord himself. it was just like his neice’s birth. except for the place. he looked around again. he knew it was all in his mind, but the stable did look cleaner, brighter, somehow. it was curious, the animals were all awake now. and all looking towards mary and the Baby. he glanced back at them. her smile melted him and he was amazed again at her beauty and innocence. despite the ordinariness of the birth, he knew it the Child at her breast was God’s Son, as well as he knew her. there was no question in his mind when it came down to it.

a commotion outside and joseph stood, looking out. just some guys coming back from the bar, he figured. but they came closer. he stepped to the door. they were almost upon him and he caught glimpses of them in the light. shepherds. he smiled warily as they approached, ready to send them away as kindly as he could.

“...the messiah...!”
“...manger...”
“...born tonight...”

joseph shook he head and his wary smile became a full-blown grin. he escorted them in. in the presence of mary and the Baby, silence fell and dirty hands tried to straighten and clean dirty clothes. joseph stood behind and caught mary’s eye over dingy bowed heads and they smiled.

*****************************************************************

the creatures of darkness were still stunned and the light took the reprieve to bow between shepherds before the Glow the drove away all darkness. bowing before the Child, two kinds of light intertwined. a new light was birthed within each human, somehow reminiscent of the light the glowed from the Child, now sleeping in the manger.

the shepherds slowly stood, tears streaked many dirty faces. mary hugged them gently as they filed out quietly.

slowly, quietly, the light that had shot through the darkness of the world settled to a soft glow around the sleeping Child. but it left a pinprick of light, glowing in the night.

shouts of surprise and joy rang in the eastern night air.

this year, to me, christmas means hope. Jesus' coming to earth was about hope. Jesus' coming in my life was about hope. "sometimes the bravest thing we have is hope."

Friday, November 25, 2005

Fri, 25 Nov 2005 18:12:36 GMT

this is a poem i wrote while waiting for the maudes and the jess(e/i)s who'd invited me to see the imax harry potter last night:

and i've sat in this exact spot
waiting for different people
writing different poems
on similiar mechanical devices
but not on thanksgiving night

and i love for the praises of thanksgiving
in my tired heart to spring off my tongue
to leap off my lips into the world around me
but for now i sit content
basking in the quiet warm glow of being
and remembering all the You've given me

and as the old lady with the cane
sits down beside me
between her friend and i
with whom she's discussing the movie
i'm about to see with my friends
a slight smile skims my lips.
5.11.24 18.28

if you don't know the whole story of yesterday, check out my other 'blog.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 18:24:50 GMT

my schedule for dine for america today is/has been:

10am @ corner bakery

2pm @ macaroni grill @ cherry creek

7pm @ chili's on the 16th street mall

come join me if you can!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 23:29:27 GMT

http://www.dineforamerica.org/